Personal development

Why “HAPPINESS” is bullshit

Running after happiness is like running after someone who will kiss you and then punch you in the face.

Alisa

Happiness is such a broad word and I at least feel like it doesn’t actually mean anything. It is just a filler in a conversation: “Are you happy?” I will try to explain why happiness is kinda bs. However to make sure we don’t have to start studying biology and chemistry, I have simplified everything a lot. So please if you want more information, check the links I have left at the end, and research yourself. Let’s get into it:

There is a reason why the world happy is in quotes, in the title. I don’t think we understand what happiness means. And the truth is that my happiness and your happiness are two very different things. For some reasons though, we always try to copy others in the hope of getting the same kind of hit that the other person got. The we get bitter when it doesn’t make us feel good and we feel like we’ve been lied to…

So let’s talk about what is happiness scientifically (very simplified). DOSE (Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and Endorphin) are in charge of the feelings of happiness, in very different ways. Endorphins come out to play when you do something that you have to power through like fitness goal. While oxytocin makes you bond with people and serotonin is a regulator. You get dopamine actually when you anticipate something. Why is this important to understand? Well this means there at least 4 different ways to be “happier”. Actually more because there are other chemicals in the brain that work to make you feel “good” but I won’t get into them all.

However this gets us to the next point I have. The happiness chemicals don’t work in the sense that we think that they do. Easy example would be serotonin. The chemical that makes you feel hungry and happy after you eat. (simplified a lot). So then you would think that food makes you happy. And it does, in a way. That is why it is easy to start over eating. Because who doesn’t like food. This means that we will get happy from over eating. And from expecting the food we get dopamine… but when have you ever hear about an actually happy food addict. Someone who is over weight is not happy. They might act happy with food in front of them but a little while after they eat they get sad and guilty and then there is the cycle. Eat be happy stop eating feel bad. What do you think we end up doing? … Yeah … eating some more.

So, if we think about happiness as the surge of chemicals and lack of happiness when chemicals aren’t having a party, this means we must always DO something, in order to be happy. BUT this is again where our brains will work against us. Because what better way than get a DOSE than to sit around all day, scroll the phone, order uber eats and then just do the same thing when you feel the guilt and self loathing raise? This is the reason “happiness” isn’t such a great concept and feeling good for a while doesn’t mean you are happy overall.

I suggest a very easy cure for you all who feel like happiness is always running away from you. Instead of grabbing that burger, phone, having sex(All of which are btw good things in moderation) What I suggest is making a list of things that make you feel good AND proud/fulfilled after you do it. Want to feel good about bonding with people? Help someone. Want to feel the anticipation of something? Try planning a trip or organize a get together with friends. Or try something new that you have never done before. The key is to feel good even after you are done doing it. Not that you have failed yourself. This takes away the huge crashes you might get.

So happiness isn’t only about getting some chemicals to party in your brain. You must also make them party in a good way, instead of making them feel hangover after 10 minutes. Doing good things, smart things will make you feel good for longer, because the memory of those good things will make you feel happy again instead of sad.

Now to the last but maybe the most important point: HAPPY isn’t the same thing as easy. Happy isn’t about getting the biggest hit of DOSE, often. It is about balancing out things. It is about making yourself proud, fulfilled. This is why I strongly suggest to run after fulfillment, about feeling good in a smart way. Running after happiness on its own is like running after someone who kisses you and then punches you right after it… and I don’t think that is a healthy relationship to be in. Even if its just inside our brains. Run after being fulfilled and proud of who you are. That will be more like running after someone who isn’t actually running away from you. They are just playing tag with you and once you catch them, they will kiss you and take you out on a date. (Better than the punch in the face right?)

What are the smart things that make you happy? What makes you fulfilled and proud of yourself after? If you have questions, about this or something else, let me know! I will be happy to try and answer or to even write a blog post on the topic!

Here are the resources I used for the blog: 4 Chemicals and Psychology Today Also don’t forget to check out the communities we have (and take part in them 😉 ) over here:

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Xoxo, Alisa

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Personal development

5 things that you hate about you?

We are told daily to work on ourselves and to improve and develop. And I agree 100% on that. Personal development, constructing a healthy amazing you with great goals is amazing. It is what will make the world a better place, because better people make better communities and nations. BUT, where do you start with this journey.

Saying that I want to be successful or I want to be healthy and all those things are extremely large as concepts. So what should we do? I am all for being positive and loving yourself, but sometimes loving yourself is being about being a realist. So let’s be realists shall we.

What are the 5 things you hate about yourself ? For me currently the list would look like this:

  1. I am lazy; I often fail to push myself that one inch more
  2. I love to plan, fail to execute
  3. I talk more than I listen
  4. I don’t take good care of myself
  5. I’m negative

Everyone has their moments of laziness and it isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes however it is the thing that makes you feel all icky and disappointing in yourself. Part of the laziness is that I get excited and I plan the shit out of everything and then I fail to act on those plans. I am sure many of you can see yourself in that.

I talk way more than I listen. And it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. But my goal in the future is to help people with their problems, whether it is in their personal life or work life. But in order to do that I must learn about them, their problems, as much as possible. The only way to do that is to listen.

I don’t take good care about myself. In order to be the most productive and healthy me I must eat healthy, exercise (I have been pretty good with exercise actually) and meditate etc. If I don’t do all of those things at least to a certain degree that helps me then I can’t reach my fullest potential. And this is hardly anything new. I know this very well I even have experiences of how I feel when I do “everything right” so why not do it?

I am negative. And I can hear you guys kinda laughing there and being like well we are reading your post/posts; we know you are negative, but bear with me. I don’t think that seeing your issues and working on them being negative. But I am quite often stuck in this idea of things not going my way and why is that person like that and why doesn’t our school make this work better. And that type of negativity isn’t really helpful because those are the things I currently can’t change. I can change myself and the way I react to things however.

Why should we think about these things? I personally thing it is way easier to start working on yourself if you know what is not working out for you currently. If I don’t like that I am negative, its way easier to figure out action steps to help with it (journaling,meditation etc) than just saying I want to be successful or I want to be a good person.

What are your 5 things currently, or even a couple. If you have something precise you want hints and help with, comment it down bellow and I will do my best to answer. As always thanks for reading

xoxo

Personal development

5 steps back


This is a post to reminiscent the “good old days”. This is not to say that the current days aren’t good. They are, just different. Why am I talking about this? I thought I would go back in time. As much as I can. And work on things I used to like. I had a lot of them. But I am going to choose 5.

Doing art. I loved painting and working with clay. I don’t think I will go back to art school (I used to go in a hobby sense) but I can do almost anything at home too.

Writing poetry. I loved to write poetry. It is so simple and short and you get to pour your heart out it a couple of sentences. I mean sure it can be long as well but it isn’t the same thing as writing a 500-page book.


Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Being outside without distraction. Like music in my ears. Don’t get me wrong. If I go out for a walk I love listening to music and it gives a rhythm for my steps too. But listening to the sounds of nature… it is so relaxing and takes you to the moment at hand, something that especially right now is very rare.

Dancing. I miss dancing. I mean once in a while I’ll dance like a crazy person in my own room while no one can see me. But I don’t do it enough. Plus I could go to dancing classes and actually improve too.

Climbing. When I was younger I would climb all the time. Everything. I loved it. And I might now be able to get away from doing it the “normal” way but I can go to climbing parks and hey it works on my fitness as well.

What are some of the things you used to do but quit for a reason or another? Leave down in the comments 🙂 Share this post and like it if you like it 😛 It helps me see how I’m doing as a blogger 😉

As always thanks for reading and see you in the next post.

Xoxo Alisa

Lessons in life, Personal development

Why can’t you find happiness?

There are obviously so many different things that make us unhappy in life. But I think that the biggest reason, honestly is that we define happiness in a fundamentally wrong way.

Let’s make a very very clear point here: Happiness is NOT the total 100% rainbow and unicorn existence with rainbows and sprinkles! The only way you will achieve that kind of happiness is by using drugs and even then it won’t last forever and if you try to make it last forever you will die of an overdose (that is not today’s topic though)

So how does this relate anything to the reason why we can’t find the happiness you may ask? Very simply put, I think people say I am not happy, and I want to find happiness because they don’t realize that they will never be happy all the time. I am not talking for all people here of course. My point is probably best described by Jay Shetty. He is a rebel turned monk, turned influencer and you should really check him out. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoErccq0vw)

What he has said is that we should look at life from the perspective of a  lifeline. If your life is going up and down it means that your heart is beating, the only way you can have a constant happiness (or sadness) is when you have a flat line. Essentially that means that you are dead. In the interview, I linked this is explained at about 16min 22s.

My point is that we don’t want to accept that we will never be constantly happy. It is normal to feel sad once in a while. Anger as well. This is one of the reasons I like the French language. There are 2 different words to use for the English word happy. Meaning different things…

Joyeux means happy. You would say it to a person having a birthday party (Joyeux Anniversaire) but heureuse, that is beyond happiness. It is being contented. It would be something someone would say about getting married to the love of their life or giving birth to a child. It isn’t as if the marriage never has any issues or that raising a kid will always be fun. But is about the feeling of contentment and peace that you know you wouldn’t have it any other way.  (Obviously, these things can be achieved by more than just having kids or getting married they are just the most common examples I can come up with. )

So think beyond just the bursts of feelings you have on the daily basis. If you aren’t laughing all the time doesn’t mean you aren’t heureuse. But if you all the time feel like nothing matters, nothing brings joy then you can safely say you aren’t happy(heureuse)  and you should search for answers. But on avergage, I think that we just assume life is supposed to be easy, and we are supposed to laugh and never have a shitty day at work. And that is just not the case.

As always I thank you for reading. I hope you found the post interesting and helpful and I would love to have a conversation about this in the comment section below.

xoxo

-Alisa

 

 

 

Health, Lessons in life, Personal development

How to: Feelings

We are told daily not to get unhappy and not to be stressed and don’t feel anything that might seem a bit negative. God forbid that someone gets angry for being punched in the face. I am not here to tell you that you should wallow in self-pity and mope around. What I am saying to you is that you might as well “ride” out these feelings.

Feeling angry? It isn’t an issue if you don’t pour gasoline into it. Ignoring the feeling of anger is often like gasoline. It might not work in the same sense as actual gasoline where you combust right away. But you ignoring the feeling for a long time will make it build up and then, later on, you will explode. A loved one that said something that you hated? Tell them about it right away. No one needs you to play martyr and just “turn the other cheek”. Not in this case.

Tell them that you didn’t like it. Because if you let that hurt/anger sit it will explode later when they do a fifth thing that you don’t like. And you might say something you regret. They might not know why your reaction is as big as it is. Also, girls, let’s not play the “ If you don’t get why I am angry I am not telling you”  game. That is so not cool. Unless it’s like the 10th anniversary or your birthday that they really should know by now. Otherwise just say it straight.

If you feel sad and want to cry. Just do that. If anyone judges you let them. In today’s age, we are told to repress our feelings. That will lead to either exploding later on or maybe not being able to open up at all. Then we wonder why we feel depressed, but it really isn’t a wonder if we keep everything bottled up.

It’s the same with stress. You must learn to manage stress that is true. Meditation, writing down the reasons why you are stressed and going out for a walk or with friends are some ways to manage stress. But telling yourself that you shouldn’t feel stressed and why am I stressed isn’t. Trying to force is out of your body will only make it worse. No one can have a good meditation if the only thought in your mind is “I can’t stress” on a loop.

On the flip side, you should also freely feel the good and happy feelings. Not in a cocky bitchy way. Not is someone is having a bad day and you go to them and say “oh no, but oh well I am having a great day”. But if you are proud of achieving something then just say so. If not to anyone else then to yourself. Or maybe write about it in your journal. While being cocky and narcissistic is something that everyone should avoid being, too much of modesty will make others discredit you as well.

If someone says you have written something well, thank them and maybe joke slightly like “Oh you noticed it too huh” But never just outright diss your work “Oh no, its absolute garbage, I’m sure a 5-year-old could have done it”  It might get you some sympathetic comments at first but later on people will just stop complimenting you and may even start to think the same things. Because if you can’t be proud of that work, why should they be impressed with it?

Thanks for reading! Comments are appreciated as always and please follow. If you feel someone needs this blog post please share. Sharing is after all caring.

xoxo

Alisa